Monday, August 17, 2009

My friend Missy is doing a poll on her blog and so I am helping by telling folks - What to say to a friend who are dealing with infertility...

After a long journey through infertility I have some how become the go to girl in my circle of friends for infertility issues. I know more about my own personal biological clock than well...most peeps. (I wont go into the gory details)

This journey has also brought me many many friends in the same boat. We are like an underground sisterhood of woman who are bound together by longing, pain and (hopefully) joy.

I am going to start by telling you what NOT to say to someone dealing with infertility.
1) "It just isnt God's timing." - well thank you friend. That is obvious and only makes us want to spew on you a whole vile of 'you just dont get it!'

2) "When you stop trying or adopt, you will get pregnant" also in the same vein, "Now that you have had a baby successfully with IVF you will get pregnant on your own" - This is just not true and just not helpful.

3) "Have you tried ______" - we have tried it all honey! We have tried standing on our heads and doing it side ways. we have tried herbs, acupuncture, etc.

4) And this is the worse for us and you - "I am pregnant!" - I cant even explain it. We are, of course, excited and would never wish our pain on you. It is not your fault that you can reproduce by just standing near your spouse. With that said, when you get pregnant, please be kind. Dont only talk about your great news endlessly and please please dont take us to a sit down dinner where we are supposed to force down tears for an entire meal of being excited. Please know we feel HORRIBLE about these thoughts/feelings and we can not help them. They are second nature to us and something we are ashamed of.

5)"Just adopt!" - For those of my friends who have adopted. Let me first say you never 'just adopt'. It is a long process of it's own. Also it does not automatically take away our desire to be pregnant. We are women, it is like saying - just turn off every female hard wire God made you with.

With all that said. There is nothing you can say. Infertility is painful, heart breaking and still, after a baby of my own, brings tears to my eyes. Even though I have a baby (which I praise God for everyday) it doesnt mean the fertility journey is over. Seek to try and understand the process. To get pregnant, just get pregnant it takes months of injections, thousands of dollars and an emotional roller coaster. (Even for baby #2)

When you deal with infertility you are mourning. Treat your friends who are struggling with infertility like a friend who is mourning a death. Listen, Listen, Listen and Pray Pray Pray. That is all you can do. You can't fix us or change our current path. God in his wisdom is allowing us to bear this cross for His glory. Give us encouraging words from scripture and hold us when we cry.

I do want to thank my friends who, for five years, held my hand, dried my tears and loved me despite the war going on inside. If not for you my God sent ones, we would not have withstood the storm. And more importantly to those who didnt support and might not have always been there - thank you for apologizing when you realized it. It means a lot to us.

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