It's been a while since I 've entered a post. Life has been so blissfully busy with two kids I hardly have a moment to myself....and I secretly love it! In fact I love it so much we are continuing our journey towards baby #3, right on into crazy town I am sure.
I wanted to keep this to myself, to not share this part of our journey with you all. I wanted to feel breezy and uncommitted. Nonchalant even. Then I realized some where along the way Infertility, be it your first round of clomid or your 20th IVF, is not something you can casually do. And why did I have this need to make it so unimportant? The answer to that question is complicated...as love usually is.
I am not the doe eyed infertility virgin I was when starting my journey to mommy bliss. All I could see or think was, "I will do whatever it takes to be a momma!" Now I know more. I know the joy of seeing my babies heart beat on the monitor. I know the aching pain when they look at you and say, "I am sorry. We can't find a heart beat today." I know the challenge of loving my children well. I know the amazing moment when they place that tiny little person in your arms and you honestly feel like your heart might burst with love. All of this knowing, it's scary. I know all that can go right and how wonderful that is. I know, if not first hand then through loving my friends, all that can go wrong...so earth shockingly wrong.
And still I wondered what would that doe eyed me have said to my current self? She would remind me how all I have ever wanted was a big family. And how deep the void was then without a baby to hold. She would yell at me to commit already! This is a baby not a boob job! Get serious Amber!
This caused me to realize there is nothing breezy about IVF or in this case FET. (Frozen embryo transfer) When I am faced with weeks of synthetic hormones, hysteroscopy, rude insurance coordinators and feeling like a crazed lunatic, I have to make a choice. I have to choose this baby long before I ever see a positive or negative on a pregnancy test.
Love is not always easy. Love is a choice. An amazing, difficult, rewarding choice. And I am ready to make that choice for this child as I did for the ones who came before them.